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Jun 9, 2017

KESHA SOUNDS LIKE THE BACON-DOG AT THE END OF THE CLIP WHERE SEINFELD SNUBS HER HUG.

GUY SMASHING HIS HEAD INTO THE ICE AND PUNCHING HIM AT THE HOCKEY GAME LAST NIGHT. NOT EVEN A CLOSE GAME, BUT GREAT BECAUSE OF LOTS OF FIGHTING.

SCOTT PELLY WILL LEAVE CBS NEWS AS THE MAIN ANCHOR NEXT WEEK. BUT HE'S STAYING ON 60 MINUTES. ANTHONY MASON WILL FILL IN. BRENT BAIER, ANDERSON COOPER, LEE COWAN, WILLIE GEIST, JEFF GLOR, SAVANNA GUTHRIE, NORA O'DONNEL, BILL O'REILY. BRIAN WILLIAMS.

CHAINSAW SPORTS: NBA FINALS, NHL FINALS, PADRES BASEBALL. FORMER AZTEC HOOPS COACH STEVE FISHER NOW HAS AN AWARD NAMED AFTER HIM.

DAVE'S FAVORITE RACE HORSE: HORSEY-MCHORSE-FACE!

RANDY'S NEWS TEASE: COMEY TESTIMONY YESTERDAY – YES RUSSIANS TRIED TO INTERFERE WITH OUR ELECTION. JOHN MCCAIN GOT CONFUSED ASKING QUESTIONS. UK ELECTION YESTERDAY WHERE TERESA MAY LOST AND NOW WANTS TO FORM A MINORITY GOVT SO SHE'S ASKING THE QUEEN FOR PERMISSION. WTH? SHARK SIGHTING AT IMPERIAL BEACH/CORONADO SILVER STRAND. POT PIZZA – NEVER AGAIN SAYS DAVE. POT PIZZA NOW AVAILABLE IN MASS. WITH A PERSCRIPTION.

DAVE'S HISTORY CORNER: PRESIDENT LINCOLN WAS SHOT NEAR THE END OF THE CIVIL WAR. THE PRISONER EXCHANGE WAS STOPPED AND JOHN WILKES BOOTH DIDN’T LIKE THAT. HE ORIGINALLY INTENDED TO KIDNAP LINCOLN UNTIL THE PRISONER EXCHANGE WAS STARTED UP AGAIN. BUT WHEN LINCOLN SAID BLACK MEN WOULD GET THE RIGHT TO VOTE AFTER THE WAR, BOOTH SAID F-THAT AND CHANGED HIS MIND AND SHOT HIM DEAD INSTEAD. GRANT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE THEATER THAT SAME NIGHT, BUT LINCOLN AND GRANT'S WIVES HATED EACH OTHER, SO GENERAL GRANT WAS SAVED!

CHAINSAW SPORTS: *** KEEP FOR BEST OF***A PEEK BEHIND THE SCENES AT SHELLY DUNN'S HOUSE WATCHING THE NHL FINALS. *** KEEP FOR BEST OF***

POPEYE'S CHICKEN NOW HAS COOKIE DOUGH FRIED CHICKEN WHICH MUST BE TRIED!

U2 TICKETS TO THE WINNER OF RUTH'S BANG MARK. A FEW DOZEN ENTERIES NARROWED DOWN TO 5 FOR THE CREW TO CHOOSE THE FINAL TATTOO.

RUTH'S BANG MARK CONTEST: DSC CREW VOTES FOR THE FIVE FINALISTS POSTED ON THE WEB PAGE. AND THE WINNER IS: WENT TO A TIE BREAKER WITH A TEN LISTENER POLL TO DECIDE:

STORIES OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE TO WORK FOR THEIR MONEY. I.E. RICH KIDS

GUY IN A CLUB RIPPED UP $10 BILLS YELING - THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME

ROOMIE GAVE HIM $20 FOR CHORES LIKE MAKING HIS BED

LIVES ON AN ISLAND WITH FRESH WATER. ASKED NOT TO USE CITY WATER IN THE DORMS

AT CAMP, SOME KIDS WERE TOLD TO LEAVE. WE WERE HERE FIRST THEY SAID. RICH KID SAYS, YEAH BUT DOES YOUR DAD HAVE A HELICOPTER?

DROP $50 GRAND AT A MUSIC FESTIVAL IN A WEEKEND.

KID NEVER RODE IN A LIMO AND THE RICK KID SAYS, HAVEN'T YOU EVER GONE TO THE AIRPORT?

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

 

 

I believe popeyes gets 6 thumbs up for their cookie chicken. Everyone looked so happy and satisfied, then sad when their plates were empty.

Jessica alba not so honest after all.

It was a close race between pugger decker and ballsy snake, with the Mike Pence of the 10lp casting the deciding vote – awarding Pete our final pair of U2 tix – Sara will have a pair and you can text to win all weekend long.

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Jun 8, 2017

A REPORTER ASKED THE PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND: WHAT'S THE NAUGHIEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE? THEY'RE STEALING DAVE'S BIT! "RUNNING THROUGH THE WHEAT FIELDS." THAT'S HOW NOT TO PLAY "NAUGHTY GIRLS." DAVE WILL GIVE AWAY U2 TICKETS TODAY WHEN WE PLAY NAUGHTY GIRLS. DAVE ASKED SHELLY, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU WERE 18?

CONTEST: RUTH'S BANG MARK FOR U2 TICKETS ON FRIDAY.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

JUPITER IS SURROUNDED BY RADIATION THAT CAUSES RADIO STATIC.

RANDY'S NEWS TEASE: FIRED DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY TESTIFIES TO CONGRESS TODAY. COSBY TRIAL CONTINUES. WAR OF THE ROSES IS A NATIONAL SYNDICATED BIT WITH ACTORS. FAKE FAKE FAKE.

THE KESHA ARMY HATES SEINFELD AND PLANS TO RUIN HIS CAREER.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

BOYER vs. The TEAM: WHY ARE COP UNIFORMS BLUE? TEAM ANSWER: LEFTOVER FROM THE UNION ARMY IN CIVIL WAR TIMES – BLUE. BOYER ANSWER: MAKES THEM BLEND IN AND SNEAK AROUND. LISTENER: JERRY WENT WITH NO ONE GOT IT RIGHT! THE TEAM WINS!!

DAVE'S WEIRDO FRIEND WENT TO EAT MEXICAN WITH HIM YESTERDAY. HE ORDERED A HORCHATA WITHOUT A STRAW BECAUSE IT HEATS UP THE DRINK. A STRAW REDUCES THE COLDNESS OF THE DRINK.

NAUGHTY GIRLS FOR U-2 TICKETS

AMBER: HAD SEX IN THE SHRUBBERY AND SHE KICKED HIM IN THE FACE, KNOCKED HIM OUT, BLOODIED HIS NOSE. MARRIED HIM.

JESSICA: HAD SEX AT

THE "ROAR AND SNORE" IN A TENT AT THE SAFARI PARK – PUMA STYLE

JENNIFER – FIRST HUSBAND INTO 3 AND 4-SOMES WHICH WAS FUN AT THE TIME, BUT NOW SHE'S MORMON.

******WINNER***AMANDA – MET A HOT MARINE FROM ONLINE DATING INTO GOLDEN SHOWERS. PEED INSIDE OF HER – GOT AN INFECTION. THEN GOT WEIRDER WANTED A ROMAN SHOWER. HE WAS SO HOT SHE HAD TO TRY IT!*********

CHRISTY: MET A MARRIED GUY ON TINDER WHO WAS A DOMINANT & MET HIM IN A TRAILER BEHIND A HOUSE. SPANKED HER WITH SILICONE PADDLE, CHAINED HER UP WITH A COLLAR INC FEET. A FRIEND CAME IN THE ROOM TO WATCH THEM. HAD SEX WITH BOTH OF THEM.

CHAINSAW SPORTS: pregnant women, careful with too many kegels, it'll tighten up that pelvic floor, making it tougher to birth a 13 pounder

ROUND 2 OF NAUGHTY GIRLS:

STRIPPER WHO MET LOTS OF FAMOUS GUYS. WENT ON A STRIPPER CAMPING TRIP MET A GUY WITH A SWASTIKA ON HIS JUNK.

TIFFANY: WENT TO THE PARK AFTER HOURS, COP TOLD THEM TO LEAVE – TWO DIFFERENT PLACES

SHELLY'S NEWS: COMEY TESTIFYING ABOUT RUSSIA, TRUMP, ETC. DRINK SPECIALS IN D.C. WITH ALL TV'S SHOWING THE TESTIMONY. UK CORBIN UPSET. COSBY TRIAL. PRETEND SPENDING THE POWERBALL MONEY IS ONE OF SHELLY'S HOBBY.

 

Shelly is a lotto player, but should she win, she's not sharing a mill with Boyer. Because we're children, we asked Boyer if he had a magic wand to award Shelly the winning lotto ticket, would he? Twice he said no. Chris, you've had some time to think about it – the magic lotto wand is in your hand, Shelly is sitting right there in front of you – all you have to do is give a little wave? Are you doing it so she can win the $435 million jackpot, even though she won't give you a single cent?

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Jun 7, 2017

EDIBLE ANAL BELGIAN CHOCOLATES. YOU CAN POSE FOR A MOLD OF ANYONE YOU WANT.

DAVE'S NEW BAND = "RUTH WANTS TO EAT BOYERS CHOCOLATE BUTT HOLE"

CHAINSAW SPORTS: NBA FINALS BACK ON TONIGHT. HOCKEY FINALS CONTINUE TOMORROW NIGHT

RANDY'S NEWS TEASE: ANOTHER VICTIM FOUND IN THE LONDON ATTACK. US ATTY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS MAY STEP DOWN. BILL COSBY TRIAL CONTINUES. NEWS QUIZ PRIZE: BRIAN SETZER, ROCKABILLY BAND

KESHA TRIED TO HUG SEINFELD ON A RED CARPET WHILE HE WAS BEING INTERVIEWED. SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD HUG HIM AND HE SAID NO THANK YOU – TWICE. SHE ASKED AGAIN AND HE STEPPED BACK TO SHOW HER HE DIDN'T WANT TO HUG HER. SHE GOT EMBARRASSED AND SLINKED AWAY. HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE WAS. HAPPEDED TO RUTH A BUNCH OF TIMES – PEOPLE WITH NO BOUNDARIES.

DAVE HAD TO PEE, GOT DENIED WHEN THE RESTROOM WAS FULL. SLINKED AWAY EMBARASSED.

EMILY IS HIDING A DAUGHTER FROM US. EMILY & FAMILY WERE OUT TO EAT AND APPROACHED BY SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT HER SON COLT WAS A LITTLE GIRL AND WANTED TO CAST HER IN A COMMERCIAL. EMILY WAS OKAY WITH HER SON PLAYING THE ROLE OF A GIRL, WHILE HER HUB DEFINITELY WAS NOT. EVEN FOR $35,000????

Chainsaw is a special occasion hugger.

REV. DAVE LOOKING FOR THE SIN SINNEST SINNER OF THEM ALL FOR U2 TICKETS.

STEVEN: TOLD A GUY TO LEAVE HIS JOB SO HE COULD TAKE IT.

JENNIFER: BOUGHT A NEW MATTRESS & TORE THE TAGS OFF.

HANK HILL: SOLD A CUSTOMER AN EMPTY PROPANE TANK

STEVE: THREW A HANDFULL OF TACKS ON A CHURCH PEW BEFORE A GUY SAT DOWN. HE WAS ONLY 13 AT THE TIME, BUT HE HATED THE DUDE WHO YELPED AND JUMPED UP.

KEVIN: DISCONNECTED

******WINNER********* MIKE: WHEN HE GOT DIVORCED, HIS WIFE HOOKED UP WITH A YOUNG, ITALIAN GUY. THEY WERE STILL LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. SHE TOOK HIM TO HAWAII FOR 2 WEEKS. WHEN SHE RETURNED SHE WAS PLAYING A GUITAR & HE SERENADED HER. HE WAS SMOKING A LOT OF WEED AT THE TIME. SO HE GOT HIGH AND PISSED IN HER GUITAR.**************************************************************

EDDIE: THE CHIN BALL LOAD LOOSENER: HAD A CUTE GF WHO WORKED IN A DENTAL OFFICE. SHE SAID A YOUNG DENTIST KEPT HITTING ON HER. HE WANTED TO BEAT HIM UP. INSTEAD HE GOT A 5 LB BUCKET AND POURED THE BLUE STUFF FROM PORTA POTTIES ON THE GUYS PORCHE.

ELAINE: SMACHED WINDSHIELD AND HEADLIGHT OF HIS CAR

VEE: REPLACED OREO FILLING WITH TOOTHPASTE, THEN GOT ON THE DSC TO LIE ABOUT IT

NICK: SOME GUY ONLINE IS OFFERING METALLICA TICKETS FOR NUDE PICS. SO HE SENT HIM PICS OF MEN AND THEN OLD LADIES. HE DIDN'T WIN TICKETS – HAD TO BUY THEM.

DAN: STICKY THROATED NUT BUSTER: GOT THROWN OUT OF BAR FOR BEING DRUNK. WENT TO A DUCK POND, GOT A DUCK AND THREW IT INTO THE BAR AND RAN AWAY.

BOB: JOCKEY TUGGING FART PUFFER: WHEN HE WAS YOUNG HE TOOK A DRIVER FROM HIS DAD'S GOLF BAG. TOOK A BIG SWING OUTSIDE OF HIS HOUSE AND THE HEAD OF THE DRIVER HIT THE NEIGHBOR'S WINDOW. PUT IT BACK AND HOPED DAD WOULDN'T NOTICE.

BRIAN: GOEY EYED FACIAL FAVORER, HE WORKED WITH A CUBS FAN WHO WANTED A CUBS STICKER FOR HIS CAR. HE MADE IT WITH REFLECTIVE TAPE SO AT NIGHT IT SAID, CUBS SUCK.

SHAWN: TIED THE ROBE BELTS TOGETHER FOR THE ALTER BOYS SO HE COULD SLIP AWAY FROM THEM AND MEET A CUTE GIRL.

CHAINSAW SPORTS: A-ROD IS BEING EXTORTED FOR CASH FROM AN EX-FLING. SHE'S ASKED FOR MONEY OVER THE YEARS, BUT HE ALWAYS SAID NO. SHE ASKED AGAIN WHEN HE STARTED WITH J-LO. HE SAID NO HE WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE. SO SHE UPPED THE ANTY FOR BIGGER BUCKS. A-ROD AIN'T GOING FOR IT.

WE MIGHT BE THE ONLY MORNING SHOW WITH NO INK.

 

DAVE HAD TO PEE, GOT DENIED WHEN THE RESTROOM WAS FULL. SLINKED AWAY EMBARASSED.

 

Chainsaw is a special occasion hugger.

 

DAVE IS A FAN OF PLAYOFF BASKETBALL, SO HE IS SET TONIGHT FOR MORE ACTION.

 

DAVE'S NEW BAND = "RUTH WANTS TO EAT BOYERS CHOCOLATE BUTT HOLE"

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Jun 6, 2017

U2 IS COMING TO SAN DIEGO IN SEPTEMBER & DAVE HAS TICKETS ALL WEEK LONG! SHELLY SAW THEM IN 1992! WHICH SHEMP DID SHE TAKE TO THE SHOW? SHE HAD NO ONE TO GO WITH SO SHE TOOK A WOMAN LISTENER WITH HER.

BEST THING SAID ALL WEEK ACCORDING TO DAVE: ((((DID YOU TAKE DICK BARF-TON? ASKED BOYER.))))

DAVE STOOD UP FOR KATHY GRIFFIN LAST WEEK. BUT THAT WAS BEFORE SHE CRIED ON TV WITH GLORIA ALLRED'S LAWYER DAUGHTER LISA BLOOM, CLAIMING TRUMP BULLIED HER. SHE TOOK ON THE VICTIM ROLE BIGTIME. SHE REFUSED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER PART IN THE STUNT. JUST BLAMED IN ALL ON TRUMP.

BILL MAHAR DROPPED THE N-WORD ON PURPOSE, BUT APOLOGIZED. SO FAR HE STUCK WITH IT.

CHAINSAW SPORTS: NBA FINALS – 2-0 WARRIORS, NHL FINALS IS TIED 2-2

Randy's news tease: HIGH TECH GADETS, HARVARD REJECTIONS FOR BEING IN A HATE-FILLED FACEBOOK GROUP. SAFESTEST CITIES IN SAN DIEGO COUNTY.

5$ QUIZ: (((WE SUCKED AT IT!))) U2 SONGS FOR LISTENER MONICA FROM SHELLY FOR U2 TICKETS IN SAN DIEGO IN SEPT.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

EMILY'S TRAFFIC: SHE INVENTED A NEW TERM: CRACKSIDENT

TOP TV SPORTS SONGS: #1 NBA on NBC by John Tesh

KEVIN NEALON: PHONER. HE'S CURRENTLY ON THE CBS SHOW, MAN WITH A PLAN, AS MATT LEBLANC'S BROTHER.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

WABOOM GUY GOT KICKED OFF ((YAAAY!!!!))) THE BACHELORETTE. DAVE TWEETED THAT HE'S OFF THE SHOW – AGAIN. "DEADER" NOW

NEWS TEASE AND NEWS: TERRORIST ATTACK IN PARIS FRANCE AT NOTRE DAME. BILL COSBY – DAY 2 OF HIS RAPE TRIAL. GEORGE CLOONEY TWINS HAVE ARRIVED – ALEXANDER AND ELLA.

TRUMP IS TEARING THE BAND, JOURNEY, APART! SAFEST CITY IN SAN DIEGO COUNTY IS POWAY.

Chainsaw sports:

STANDINGS IN THE $5 QUIZ CONTEST: RUTHIE STILL IN FIRST PLACE! BUT SHELLY MOVED OUT OF THE BASEMENT WITH TODAY'S WIN!

FANS OF DISNEY'S CARS – LIGHTNING MCQUEEN AND THE NEW CAR FROM CARS 3 – JACKSON STORM ARE AT BELMONT PARK – TODAY (TIL 5PM) AND TOMORROW 11-4P. THANKS TO OUR FRIENDS AT ALLIED FOR TIPPING US OFF TO THAT FUN FREE FAMILY EVENT

Jun 5, 2017

Worse off than me, Telephone game, Would you rather lose your phone or your car?  Bad times at the Doctor, What's the harm in letting dishes sit in the sink?  Do you need to buy something if you stop to pee?  Boyer vs. The Team.

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Jun 2, 2017

(((SD County Fair opens today at 4pm.

DAVE ASKED SHELLY TO SPELL CHIHUAHUA AND HALLELEJUH. THE MOST MISSPELLED WORDS BY STATE ACCORDING TO PORN HUB; PORN, LESBIAN, THREESOME, AMATEUR, HENTI. THE NEW SPELLING BEE CHAMP IS A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL FROM FRESNO. A SECURITY GUARD GOT FIRED FROM NASCO SHIP YARD FROM FOR HANDING OUT TOILET PAPER WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FACE ON IT.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

SCOTT PELLY IS OUT SO WE ASKED OUR FACEBOOK LISTENERS'

RANDY'S NEWS TEASE: TRUMP PULLING OUT OF THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORD. THE MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH IS OUTRAGED OVER IT. SAN DIEGO COUNTY FAIR IN DEL MAR OPENS TODAY AT 4PM. NEW FOOD TO TRY. KATHY GRIFFIN LAWYERING UP TODAY WITH LISA BLOOM IN A NEWS CONFERENCE TO EXPLAIN HER REAL REASONS FOR DOING THE BEHEADED TRUMP STUNT. SEAN PENN HAD AN INCIDENT ON A PLANE WITH A PASSENGER WHO DIDN'T LIKE HIM. THE AIRLINE REWARDED PENN & DAUGHTER.

DISNEYLAND RESORT 4-PACK FOR A LISTENER WHO WINS THE DISNEYLAND TRIVIA GAME. LISTENER NICK HAS A 3 AND 5 YEAR OLD, SO WE'RE HOPING HE WINS!

HOW MUCH DID IT COST TO BUILD DISNEYLAND IN 1954? SHELL SAYS $1.5 MILLION. SHE WAS LOW. IT COSTS $17 MILLION

MAXIMUM CAPACITY OF DISNEYLAND? SHELL SAYS 15,000 PEOPLE. IT ACTUALLY HOLDS 80,000

HOW MANY ATTRACTIONS DID DISNEYLAND HAVE ON OPENING DAY? SHELL: 25 ANSWER IS 18!

LISTENER NICK WINS!!

BONUS QUESTIONS: HOW TALL IS SLEEPING BEAUTY'S CASTLE? SHELLY SAID 300 FEET. ANSWER: 77 FEET TALL

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

WHADDA YA HATE? DAVE HATES THAT SHELLY DOESN'T LIKE JOURNEY. REBECCA HATES NOT GETTING CUSTODAY OF HER KIDS DESPITE SPENDING $50,000. TOOK MEDS THAT SHUT DOWN HIS LIVER AND KIDNEY. STEPPED ON DOG POO IN THE YARD IN BARE FEET. HE DIDN'T THINK OF THE PETSTORE TRICK BEFORE HE TOOK HIS KIDS TO THE REAL ZOO. PUT IN 4 CATHERER'S IN ONE DAY.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THE MYSTERY GROOMING STEP THAT DAVE MISSED YESTERDAY? WE GUESSED A TON OF THINGS AND STILL CAN'T COME UP WITH IT!

"RUTH'S FURRY TOE KNUCKLES" IS THE NAME OF LISTENER JERRY'S NEW BAND.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

SHELLY'S NEWS: TRUMP PULLING OUT OF PARIS CLIMATE ACCORD. HE'S REPRESENTING PITTSBURGH NOT PARIS. THE MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH OBJECTED TO BEING INCLUDED.

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Jun 1, 2017

AUDIO OF TIGER WOODS SAYING THE ALPHABET IS PRICELESS. ((NOW WE HAVE HIM SAYING OUR CALL LETTERS AND ALSO DSC!!)))

CHAINSAW SPORTS: NBA FINALS BEGIN TONIGHT ON ABC BTWN CLEVELAND CAVALIERS & GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS. STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS LAST NIGHT. PITTSBURGH PENGUINS BEAT THE NASHVILLE PREDATORS NOW AHEAD 2-0 IN THE SERIES. NY METS PUPPET FLIPS OFF THE CROWD.

RUTH AND CHAIN HAVE A $5 BET

MASCOTS FLIPPING THE BIRD AND TODD RUNNING OFF MIDINTERVIEW – CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING

RANDY'S NEWS TEASE: TRUMP TO ANNOUNCE HE'S PULLING THE U-S OUT OF THE PARIS ACCORDS ON CLIMATE CHANGE. NORTH COUNTY PASTOR CHARGED WITH CHILD MOLESTATION. FIDGET SPINNERS CAN KILL YOUR CHILD! NEWS QUIZ PRIZE: TICKETS TO SEE THE GENE SIMMONS BAND AT HARRAH'S

4-PACK OF DISNEYLAND RESORT TICKETS TO LISTENER FOR DISNEYLAND TRIVIA GAME. LISTENER ASHLEY WON!!

KATHY GRIFFIN BACKLASH CONTINUES. DO WE FORGIVE HER OR NOT? WE ASKED ON FB AND LISTENER'S WEREN'T HAVING IT. SHE LOST SQUATTY POTTY SPONSOR AND A CASINO IN ABQ CANCELLED HER APPEARANCE THERE.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

 

TEQUILA IS THIS SUMMER'S HOT WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

 

THE MOST MISSPELLED WORDS STATE BY STATE. SOME OF THE WERE SUPER HARD, WHILE OTHERS WERE SUPER EASY. KABARAGOYA – IS A GIANT LIZARD

 

SARA WAS ABOUT TO MENTION – FIDGET SPINNER LADY LET HER PATENT LAPSE, SO SHE'S MAKING JACK SQUAT ON THIS EMPIRE

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LICK FOR $20?

A DOLLAR BILL FROM THE CONVENIENT STORE – ONLY RUTH WOULD DO IT

YOUR BEST FRIENDS FOOT – ONLY RUTH & BOYER WOULDN'T DO IT

RANDOM DOG – ONLY SHELLY AND RUTH

STRANGER'S PHONE SCREEN – NO ONE

UNDERWEAR AT A STORE – DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE TRIED IT ON

BOTTOM OF MY SHOE – ONLY EMILY

TOAD – BOYER WILL

FLOOR OF A MCDONALDS – NONE

DEAD FISH – NO WAY

STRANGER'S EAR BUDS – NOOOOOOO

STRANGER'S ARM PIT – NO ONE

DAVE HAS NEW MUSIC FROM FOO FIGHTERS!

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

NEWSCAST: KATHY GRIFFIN

 BEST THING SAID ALL WEEK: DAVE IS DONE WITH THE BACHELORETTE

WORST THING SAID ALL WEEK: LUCAS WILL BE THIS GENERATION'S FRANCIS SCOTT KEY

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May 31, 2017

SCOTT PELLY IS OUT AT CBS NEWS! HE'LL STILL WORK AT 60 MINUTES, BUT WHO WILL BE HIS REPLACEMENT? JEFF GLOR? DAVE RECALLED WHEN HE STARTED A MORNING NEWS SHOWS YEARS AGO THAT ONLY LASTED A WEEK OR SO.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

RANDY NEWS TEASE: DUDE DOWNTOWN FIRING SHOTS IN THE AIR. KATHY GRIFFIN POSED FOR A PIC WITH A FAKE SEVERED HEAD OF DONALD TRUMP. SHE APOLOGIZED. MARY JOE LATURNO DIVORCING. #covfefe

HANSON, DEBBIE AND CARL FIRED YESTERDAY FROM KFMB-AM. WE'RE DYING ON THE INSIDE..

KATHY GRIFFIN APOLOGIZED AFTER THE BACKLASH FOR TAKING A PIC OF A BLOODY SEVERED HEAD OF TRUMP. NOT SURE MOST PEOPLE BELIEVE HER THOUGH.

"THE POTTER EATS FROM BROKEN DISHES." BOYER CAME UP WITH THAT WHILE TAKING A DUMP.

DAVE ON CW-TV WITH HEATHER ON THE NEW NEWS STATION WITH SECRET SIGNAL.

CREEPY STUFF SOME MEN DO WITHOUT REALIZING IT:

UNSOLICITED SHOULDER RUBS

TELLING WOMEN THEY SHOULD SMILE

TELLING WOMEN THEY LOOK INNOCENT

TELLING WOMEN THEY'RE GOOD AT GUESSING BRA SIZES

LET ME HELP YOU EAT THAT BANANA

YOU WANT TO PEE ANYWHERE IN HER VICINITY

BOYER GOT A PERFECT SCORE!!

LISTENER TABITHA PLAYS THE DISNEYLAND RESORT GAME TO WIN TICKETS TO DISNEYLAND RESORT – 4 PACK OF TICKETS. SHE HAS TO GET 3 OUT OF 5 RIGHT. SHE WINS!!!

SHELLY GUESSED OUR FREQUENCY IS 100-1-POINT-7!!!

SHELLYS NEWS: CRAZY MAN RUNNING AROUND DOWNTOWN SHOOTING GUNS IN THE AIR. TRUMP PULLED OUT OF THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORDS WHICH REDUCES GREEN HOUSE EMISSIONS. TRUMP IS WILLING TO RENEGOTIATE IT AT A LATER DATE. KATHY GRIFFIN APOLOGIZES FOR HER IMAGE OF A BLOODY HEAD OF TRUMP. NEW SEA WORLD SHOWS COMING. CELEBRITY DEATH CZAR – FORMER BOND GIRL – MOLLY PETERS, AGE 75 – NO!

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

KOOKED UP TITS IS THE NAME OF DAVE'S NEW BAND.

 

 

BEST THING SAID ALL WEEK: DAVE IS DONE WITH THE BACHELORETTE

WORST THING SAID ALL WEEK: LUCAS WILL BE THIS GENERATION'S FRANCIS SCOTT KEY

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May 30, 2017

GUESTS TODAY: DANA CARVEY WILL BE A HUMPHREY'S ON FRIDAY AND HEATHER MEYERS FOR NEWS 8 ON THE CW STARTING TOMORROW.

CELEBRITY DEATHS: FRANK DEFORD – NO. GREG ALLMAN – YES. MANUEL NORIEGA – YES.

CHAINSAW SPORTS: TIGER WOODS ARRESTED FOR DUI. HE SAYS IT WAS A MIX OF PERSCRIPTION MEDS AND NOT ALCOHOL. UH HUH.

HANSON NEWS TEASE: TIGER WOODS ARRESTED FOR DUI. TIGER'S GIRLFRIEND IMMEDIATELY WENT SHOPPING AT NEIMAN'S SPENDING $5,000. GERMANYSAYS US IS NO LONGER A TRUSTED ALI. BEN STILLER MARRIAGE IS OVER. KIM K AND LORD DISIK STORY TOO. NEWS QUIZ PRIZE: DANA CARVEY TICKETS!

WHY WOULD WE PUT THE GUY ACCUSED OF CHEATING IN CHARGE OF THE ONE ACCUSED OF CHEATING?? SAYS LISTENER WILL.

WHY YOU KNOW YOU'RE WEIRD: LISTENER GARRETT SAYS HE HASN'T USED TOILET PAPER IN 30 YEARS BECAUSE HE TAKES A SHOWER AFTER EVERY TIME HE DOES THE BIG JOB. BIDET MIGHT MEAN YOU DON'T NEED TP.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

TALKING TO YOURSELF MEANS YOU'RE HIGH FUNCTIONING?? WAIT, WHAT?

BACHELORETTE: DAVE IS OFF OF IT NOW – NOW THAT RUTH ENJOYED IT!

BEN STILLER DIVORCED – MAYBE BECAUSE HE HAD CANCER.

RYAN SEACREST IS SNITA-LICIOUS! OR IS IT SNIT-URLY? IT'S CLOCK-URLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ALL THE SHOWS RYAN SEACREST HAS TO DO!

DANA CARVEY: SO GOOD!!

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

HEATHER MYERS LIVE IN STUDIO: SHE'S ON THE NEW SHOW: NEWS 8 ON THE CW; MORNING EXTRA starting tomorrow at 7am.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

SHELLY'S NEWS:

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