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DSC 0
May 30, 2017

GUESTS TODAY: DANA CARVEY WILL BE A HUMPHREY'S ON FRIDAY AND HEATHER MEYERS FOR NEWS 8 ON THE CW STARTING TOMORROW.

CELEBRITY DEATHS: FRANK DEFORD – NO. GREG ALLMAN – YES. MANUEL NORIEGA – YES.

CHAINSAW SPORTS: TIGER WOODS ARRESTED FOR DUI. HE SAYS IT WAS A MIX OF PERSCRIPTION MEDS AND NOT ALCOHOL. UH HUH.

HANSON NEWS TEASE: TIGER WOODS ARRESTED FOR DUI. TIGER'S GIRLFRIEND IMMEDIATELY WENT SHOPPING AT NEIMAN'S SPENDING $5,000. GERMANYSAYS US IS NO LONGER A TRUSTED ALI. BEN STILLER MARRIAGE IS OVER. KIM K AND LORD DISIK STORY TOO. NEWS QUIZ PRIZE: DANA CARVEY TICKETS!

WHY WOULD WE PUT THE GUY ACCUSED OF CHEATING IN CHARGE OF THE ONE ACCUSED OF CHEATING?? SAYS LISTENER WILL.

WHY YOU KNOW YOU'RE WEIRD: LISTENER GARRETT SAYS HE HASN'T USED TOILET PAPER IN 30 YEARS BECAUSE HE TAKES A SHOWER AFTER EVERY TIME HE DOES THE BIG JOB. BIDET MIGHT MEAN YOU DON'T NEED TP.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

TALKING TO YOURSELF MEANS YOU'RE HIGH FUNCTIONING?? WAIT, WHAT?

BACHELORETTE: DAVE IS OFF OF IT NOW – NOW THAT RUTH ENJOYED IT!

BEN STILLER DIVORCED – MAYBE BECAUSE HE HAD CANCER.

RYAN SEACREST IS SNITA-LICIOUS! OR IS IT SNIT-URLY? IT'S CLOCK-URLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO ALL THE SHOWS RYAN SEACREST HAS TO DO!

DANA CARVEY: SO GOOD!!

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

HEATHER MYERS LIVE IN STUDIO: SHE'S ON THE NEW SHOW: NEWS 8 ON THE CW; MORNING EXTRA starting tomorrow at 7am.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

SHELLY'S NEWS:

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