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May 24, 2017

DAVE & SHELLY HAVE CRITTER ISSUES THIS MORNING. HE HAD TO DECIDED WHETHER TO SWERVE INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC OR DRIVE OVER A FREAKIN' SKUNK! HE SWERVED. SHELLY HAD A SMALL RODENT ON HER PATIO. WHILE THEY WERE IN THE HOT TUB, SHE SAW A WET MOUSE CRAWLING UP THE SIDE. SHELLY WANTED TO FLING IT INTO THE CANYON, BUT DEAN DID NOT. SHELLY DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR HOW HE ACTUALLY GOT RID OF IT.

BATS ARE TAKING OVER OLD CHURCHES IN ENGLAND. THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY'RE ENDANGERED.

SIGN SPOTTED: MONEY THAT'S WET AND SMELLY IS NOT ACCEPTED! IF YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR BRA OR SOCKS – DON'T SPEND IT HERE!

SPIKED ARMOR FOR LITTLE DOGS TO PROTECT THEM FROM COYOTE'S.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

MIKE HANSON NEWS TEASE: MANCHESTER BOMBER DID NOT ACT ALONE. ICE MAN READY TO GO ON TOP GUN 2. VAL KILMER SAYS TOM CRUISE IS A SWEETHEART. DAVID HASSELHOF HAS A CATERPILLER MUSTACHE LIKE CLARK GABLE. HANSON LOVES IT – RUTH HATES IT. DODGE DEMON 840 HP $85k

BOYER COMPLAINING ABOUT WEB NOT PUTTING HIS SIGN UP SHEET FOR RACE WED. IN AN EASY TO FIND SPOT ON THE WEBSITE. WE WENT RIGHT TO IT. BUT BOYER COMPLAINED ANYWAY.

DILEMMA: PLUMBER SPOTS A DILDO SUCTION CUPPEED TO THE SIDE OF A SHOWER STALL, TAKES A PIC OF IT AND POSTS IT ON FACEBOOK. THE OWNER OF SAID DILDO SEE'S THE PIC AND RATS ON HER PLUMBER – WHO GETS FIRED. MORAL OF THE STORY: HIDE YOUR DILDO'S BEFORE ANYONE COMES OVER.

Chainsaw sports:

LIES YOU TELL YOUR CHILDREN:

EMILY TOOK HER KID TO THE PET STORE AND TOLD HIM IT WAS THE ZOO!

TOLD HIS SON HE GOT THE SCAR ON HIS LIP FROM DEFENDING HIS MOM BY FIGHTING OFF A BEAR.

COURTNEY: DIDN'T WANT HER KIDS TO GO TO MCDONALD'S TO PLAY IN THE DIRTY BALL PITS, SO SHE TOLD THEM THEY'RE ONLY FOR POOR KIDS.

DREW: CHUCKIE CHEESE CLOSED DOWN

IF YOU TELL A LIE, A RED DOT WILL APPEAR ON YOUR FOREHEAD.

HIS KID SPOTS ROADSIDE FLOWERS AT A MEMORIAL WHERE SOMEONE DIED IN A CAR CRASH. THE KID ASKED IF THEY BURIED HIM RIGHT THERE.

JOANNE TOLD HER KIDS SHE HAD EYES IN THE BACK OF HER HEAD. BUT SHE HAD MIRRORS EVERY WHERE!

DUDE KILLED HIS KIDS GUINEA PIG BUT REPLACED IT WITH A BIGGER ONE. TOLD HIM HE OVERFED IT

GAVE HIS KIDS ADVICE FROM SOMETHING HE SAW ON THE BRADY BUNCH

SHELLY NEWS TEASE: BOMBERS MOVEMENTS PRIOR TO THE BOMBING, THE PRESIDENT AND THE POPE, PAC HIWAY – LANDSLIDE FOR 30 MILES. MAN SUED HIS DATE FOR TEXTING DURING THE MOVIE AND SHE LEFT THE THEATER. HE FILED FOR $17 IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT BECAUSE IT PISSED HIM OFF.

SHELLY'S NEWS: POPE FRANCIS MET TRUMP. TEACHER TRADES CANDY FOR KISSES IN FL. BILL COSBY CALLS RACISM FOR EXCUSING TWO BLACK WOMEN FROM THE JURY POOL.

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