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May 22, 2017

FAIL #1 THERE WAS A PASTOR WHO WANTED TO EMULATE JESUS WHO COULD REALLY DO SOME GOOD TRICKS. … LIKE WALKING ON WATER. GOT EATEN BY CROCODILES.

FAIL #2 DUDE ON METH TAKES THE LAW INTO HIS OWN HANDS. HATED PORTLAND AND WANTED TO GO BACK TO JAIL SO HE MASTURBATED IN PUBLIC – VIGOROUSLY! EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S NO BETTER PLACE FOR JACKIN IT THAN SAN DIEGO!

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

HANSON NEWS TEASE: TRUMP OVERSEAS – TODAY HE'S AT THE WESTERN WALL. VP PENCE SPOKE AT NOTREDAME – STUDENTS WALKED OUT. CHER GOT THE ICON AWARD & PERFORMED LAST NIGHT AT THE BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS AT AGE 71 – WORE THE SAME SKIMPY OUTFIT SHE WORE 25 YEARS AGO AND LOOKED INCREDIBLE. BEST GIANT WIG EVER! DRAKE BROKE RECORDS FOR MOST AWARDS WON IN A NIGHT BY ONE ARTIST AT THE BBMA. GATE FIRE WAS STARTED ON PURPOSE. NEWS QUIZ PRIZE: ROCKIBILLY RIOT WITH BRIAN SETZER.

BILLY BUSH RESURFACED AFTER 7 MONTHS SINCE THE BUS RECORDING OF HE AND TRUMP TALKING ABOUT SEXUALLY ASSUALTING WOMEN BECAUSE HE'S FAMOUS AND BUSH WENT ALONG WITH IT. HE'S BEEN WALKING ON COALS WITH TONY ROBBINS. WHO WILL HIRE HIM??

DAVE: HOW EXCITED ARE YOU EMILY? SHE SAID 1. BECAUSE THE FREAKIN' BACHELOR STARTS TONIGHT.

MOVIE TOP 10, ALIEN COVENANT IS #1 ALIEN IS DAVE'S SCARIEST MOVIE. FOR SHELLY IT'S THE OMEN. RUTHIE IS THE EXORCIST, BOYER IS JAWS, CHAINSAW IS SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, EMILY – It,

BOYER VS THE TEAM: CLAUSTROPHOBIA = FEAR OF HEIGHTS. ANATIDAE-PHOBIA. WE SAID: FEAR OF A BIRD FLYING IN YOUR HAIR. BOYER SAID: FEAR OF BEING CRAPPED ON BY A BIRD. NO ONE GOT IT RIGHT! IT MEANS: FEAR THAT SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW A DUCK IS WATCHING YOU.

CHAINSAW SPORTS:

ANIMAL STORIES: IN JOHANNASBURG, A COUPLE OF GUYS WERE HUNTING WHEN THEY WERE STORMED BY ELEPHANTS. ONE LIFTED THE HUNTER UP WITH HER TRUNK, SO HE SHOT HER DEAD. WHICH MADE HER DROP ON TOP OF THE MAN KILLING HIM. STEVE'S PIT BULL STORY: A STRAY WAS GOING TO BE PUT DOWN BECAUSE IT WAS A PIT BULL. BUT THE HEAD OF THE SHELTER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD POLICE DOG. SO IT'S LIFE WAS SAVED. GOOD OL' LEONARD.

GROCERY STORE CRIMINALS: IS IT OKAY TO TAKE AN ITEM FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOPPING CART? OUR LISTENER WANTED TO BUY HOTDOG BUNS AND SAW A DUDE TAKE THE VERY LAST ONE, SO HE FOLLOWED HIM AND SNATCHED IT OUT OF HIS CART. HE SAYS IT'S NOT STEALING BECAUSE NO ONE HAD PAID FOR IT YET. WRONG WRONG WRONG! OF COURSE BOYER THINKS IT'S JUSTIFIED SO YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG!

SHELLY'S NEWS: GATE FIRE, A BABY SHOWER IS NOW CALLED A PUSH PARTY ACCORDING TO BEYONCE.

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